Guiding and empowering Single Parents and their Children to live a more productive, fulfilling and rewarding life.

So here we go again - Part II!

In our last blog you got to hear some of my horror stories so this week you can hear some of the unbelievable stories of people I have coached. There will be no names so the innocent are always protected.

These stories boggle the mind but are never the less very true and definitely will make you scratch your head; unless of course you have been through the courts yourself and then you may say - no surprise there!

The first “horror” story, our blog of the day, takes place in a state far, far away - or so it seems. Any way, this is a story about a dad and his kids who are under 18 years of age. His ex has custody of the kids and is engaged to be married.

One day her fiance has a bit too much to drink, gets upset and decides to break the door down with the kids standing right there. Sounds like a real winner all ready, but this is just the beginning.

The ex leaves with the kids and my friend goes and picks the kids up and removes them from harms way. Not soon after he receives a call that her fiance apologized, all is grand, she is going back with him and she wants the kids back. Huh!? What would you do?

Well he called his lawyer and Child Welfare. What he was told by Child Welfare was that they would consider opening a case to decide whether to begin an investigation and his lawyer said by law he has to return the kids or he could be arrested! Now you would think that common sense would come in to play some where in here, however we must remember this is the legal system and we should not expect too much.

NOW there is definitely a decision to be made. And by the way, who is protecting our kids? But before the decision is made my friend gets another call that her fiance was acting up and that he should keep the kids so they are safe.

On top of all that is going on, school is beginning. My friend goes to register his kids but of course he needs the signature of the custodial parent. I think you may guess where this is going.

My friend leaves several text and voice messages about the urgency and receives no response. Now school has started and the lawyer says his hands are tied and my friend needs to get that signature. The school won’t budge - policy. They have to protect themselves.

My friend finally gets in touch with his ex, since she had not been returning repeated messages and she is now waffling whether she wants to sign the papers or not. My friend already has done all the running around and has all the other paperwork filled out with the school so once these forms are signed and notarized, his kids are good to go.

Don’t you know that another 1 1/2 weeks went by until the papers where ready and he had to drive almost 3 hours round trip so that his kids only missed that week and a half from school. The kids start tomorrow and have some catching up to do in a new school with all new people.

As I write this I do not believe I will make too many people in the legal profession happy. Oh, well.

A few recent events have triggered my memory and I have been remembering my experiences with the court system in New York, or should I say the nightmares.

I remember how naive I was thinking that the court would be fair and impartial. I had this false sense of hope that they would look after, if nothing else, the health and welfare of my son. Boy was I in for a rude awakening!!

I remember returning on a yearly basis to court for the smallest of reasons on my ex’s side. She moved to another apartment in the same building, she moved a block away, etc. While these endeavors cost me a fortune, she was represented by legal aide.

I remember my bringing up the issue of smoking based on the court report because my son was asthmatic. The court investigator went to visit my ex and found her with her highly asthmatic daughter on her lap with both my ex and her boyfriend smoking. The report said that the ash trays where overflowing with cigarette butts. The judge told me when I brought this up that “she is the Mother and she knows what is best for her son!”

Then we began the 2nd round in court. The appointed “neutral” law guardian was sitting with my ex telling her how she should go about getting custody of my son. Then when the law guardian visited the house she spent no more then 30 seconds talking with my son and left.

When we went to court the law guardian said that my son was not in a good environment and did not have support at my place and that his Mother should get custody. The law guardian said that John had no one but me and my ex had her family. That was weird since my parents watched John when I was away and my brother and sister and their family lived in the same town!

The scariest part for me was the total disregard for my son’s safety. The court performed a background check on my ex’s boyfriend and found nothing. I had a friend do the same check and she found out that her boyfriend had an order of protection barring him from seeing his own kids from a previous marriage. The judge said that this was irrelevant because it was older and put no restrictions on the visit.

When I appealed the decision, the appellate court judge said that the lower court did not send the needed documents and since it was a temporary order they would let the lower court decision stand. The judge said that if I refused to let John go upstate with his Mom and her boyfriend I would be in contempt of court!

Who is watching over our kids!?

Stay tuned for the next blog! This was just some of my experiences.

I would like to hear of some of the experiences you have had. Please use the comment box below.

Until next time! Remember you are the best parent you can be in that moment!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Single Parent Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

I wanted to share some very exciting news with you! Single Parent Power has been selected as only 1 of 18 organizations nationwide to work with internationally known speaker, author, coach and internet guru Ken McArthur.

We will be meeting on August 22, 2008 to August 24, 2008 in Philadelphia to help build our businesses and to select an individual organization to help build there business. We will be working with this organization at the next event with 2000 other people in September.

This organization must be one whose mission is to help others. So if you know of an organization whose mission is helping people and they need assistance building there business, then please leave a comment here to nominate them.

I will continue to keep you up to date about this very exciting journey we are taking.

So in between all the great helpful information blogs, I will be letting you know what is going on with my adventures representing Single Parent Power at these events.

Until next time have a great and joyous day!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Single Parent Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

How easy is dating after we have been divorced?

Do you find you keep meeting the same guy/gal that you where married to? Why would that be?

In my experience, I have found that we date way too soon after getting separated or divorced. I have known people who are out there dating and getting into new relationships as soon as they are on their own.

I know - so what is wrong with that and how does this tie into dating the same type of person? Now that IS the $64 dollar question! Why do we go right into new relationships? Can it be because we are afraid of being alone? Can it be that we do not have the confidence in ourselves to go it on our own?

Now that I said this, I want to add a little disclaimer: Even though I inferred that a reason may be that you do not have the confidence to go it alone, that does not mean you have to do it by yourself. What it means is to have the confidence in yourself to not NEED a partner but also the confidence and openness to ask for and receive assistance from friends and family.

I find that because we are not with our ex any longer we feel that we need to do everything ourselves. Talk about creating stress - now you know why I do “Conquering Stress” workshops for Single Parents! We have to learn to let people in and trust again. How do you feel after helping someone?

I know I always feel great! So by allowing others to help you, you are no longer taking on the entire burden of Single Parenting alone and you are giving a gift to others by allowing them to help you and to walk away with that rewarding feeling.

So what are we to do? In my opinion, rather then carry all our luggage from the marriage with us, maybe we should work on dumping those bags before we begin dating. Just maybe, we can find Mr. Right or Ms. Right and actually be in the right place and state of mind to make a go of the relationship! What would happen if we address all the garbage we bring with us (meaning not necessarily eliminate everything, although that is what we are working toward, but take a look at it and recognize it is there and how it affects us).

Imagine you are feeling good about yourself. You are in a great place having dealt with the heavy bags we all carry to some degree and are no longer completely overwhelmed because you are accepting of help. During the process of self evaluation and addressing our old baggage, we also improve the greatest boost to a great relationship - open communication.

Now you meet someone and are in a great place and are feeling fantastic. Would you say the odds are better that if this is the right person for you that you would have a better chance of making a go of it vs. bringing the old habits and luggage from the marriage and previous relationships into the new one.

Now you know why you attract the same person you just divorced - because you are the same person and have not worked on yourself to create the new and improved, more aware you. When you work on yourself you become a different person and therefore will attract different individuals!

Now you open doors vs. closing doors with relationships. These relationships that change are in all areas of your life, not just with dating.

We will talk more about this.

Until next time - have great week and remember you are the best you can be in that moment!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Single Parent Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

In this post I wanted to share something that a friend shared with me a long time ago and was one of the poems I constantly referred to for guidance and as a reminder to how my actions influence my son. This was written for all parents and I believe it is very pertinent for Single Parents. It does not have an author’s name so I do not know who to credit with it. So if you know who the author is, I would appreciate your sharing that with us.

The role models your kids have to choose from these days are not always the best with all the hard core music about violence being played, the professional athletes being arrested, the big name actors overdosing, etc. The one consistent in all this is you, the Single Parent, and you are the one your kids will model the most - in one way or another, like it or not!

We, the parent, will tell our kids to “do what I say, not what I do” when we are doing something we know we shouldn’t. Then we wonder why the opposite happens when our kids do what we told them not to and take these disempowering actions. As two example, while in the process of smoking we explain to our kids why smoking is bad for them and then we can’t understand why they start smoking or we are constantly yelling at our kids and then can’t understand why they are always yelling.

We Single Parents have so much extra stress and other challenges in our lives that we sometimes lose site of how that affects our kids. Our kids are watching us and we are teaching them through our actions on how they should act.

On the other side of this equation, when we are aware and set good examples, then our kids benefit and model these empowering actions. For example, if we are genuine with our kids and supportive, then they will model confidence. We do have a choice in who we mold our kids to be.

So here is the poem and I trust you will enjoy it and that it will make you think and will help guide you through your journey with your kids as it did for me.

“Children Learn What They Live”

If children live with criticism,
They learn to condemn

If children live with hostility,
They learn to fight

If children live with ridicule,
They learn to be shy

If children live with shame,
They learn to feel guilt

If children live with tolerance,
They learn to be patient

If children live with encouragement,
They learn confidence

If children live with praise,
They learn to appreciate

If children live with fairness,
They learn justice

If children live with security,
They learn to have faith

If children live with approval,
They learn to like themselves

If children live with acceptance and friendship,
They learn to find love in the world.

I welcome your comments and suggestions and thank you for your support in our community.

Have an amazing day and remember we do the best that we can at that moment in time!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Single Parent Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

There I was at the beach doing what I love - watching the sunrise. Isn’t it just like the Universe to teach you when you are not looking? I watched and listened in the darkness to the quiet, the lack of certain sounds, the hushed movement of water onto and off the beach, and felt the gentle breeze softly moving across my face and through my hair. I could barely hear the plant life bristling with the excitement of the upcoming display. As I relaxed on the beach the anticipated moment arrived! The sky began to change colors and like a kaleidoscope, faster then I could keep track of, the colors danced around the sky in all variations and combinations. As the sun began to peak through the horizon and become known, new signs of life began to come forth - the birds began their serenade and the air began to come to life with sounds and excitement. I began to feel the warmth of the sun, the joy of what I was witnessing and the support of the Earth!

As I began pondering what I was experiencing, I began to tie it into life and the types of things that I and others have experienced - then I felt at peace. Why you ask? Well I am glad you asked. Finally everything became clear! Life is full of challenges and that is what we learn from, if we can allow ourselves to. Like the four seasons, where winter can be extremely brutal and we in life can be going through very hard times, spring always follows with it’s new life and new beginnings. We always come out of these challenges and have the ability to learn and grow stronger from them. Just when you think you can’t take it any more and you allow yourself to hang in a little longer, the weather changes and spring begins. Not only that, but our knowing that we will make it through because that is what the Universe has put into place for us - HOPE and the knowledge that this too shall pass. How many of you had something happen where you thought it was the end of the world but hung in there and got past it? How many of you have made it through a bad divorce and life did eventually get better? How many of you are going through that now?

The Universe/Nature is amazing to watch - it can comfort you, it can teach you but most of all it let’s you know that everything will be OK - spring is on the way! I watched and listened to everything as it unfolded on the beach. In the darkness I felt the cold and silence - that sense and feeling of being alone in the World. Then the sun made it’s appearance and the World danced with excitement and came to life! I felt the warmth of the sun and realized that the Universe was their to comfort me and that everyday the sun would rise and I would have a new beginning, a new chance to be better - a new chance to be closer to my son and a be a better father, a new chance to be closer to my girlfriend and be a better partner, a new chance in all aspects of life. I felt the sand below me and knew that the Earth was their to support me and hold me up - just like our friends and family. Why do we feel that as Single Parents we have to do everything ourselves? Our friends and family are there and want to help us but so often we shut them out and deprive them of that gift. It is a gift - think of how you feel when you help someone. So by not allowing people to help you, that deprive you of their help and you deprive them of that opportunity of helping you and receiving that wonderful feeling that they get from contribution and helping. I listened and watched as the birds sung and danced in the air celebrating the new day. How often do we start our day in celebration? Celebration of what we do have (vs. what we don’t), celebration of the wonderful people in our lives (vs those we no longer have or don’t have and want), celebration of the health we have (cause the alternative isn’t so hot), celebration of our family and the people we care about, and I can go on and on but I think you get it.

So next time you are at the beach or anywhere in nature, instead of focusing on all we need to do in the day how about we focus on what nature and the Universe is showing us to teach and remind us? It has a lot to give if we let it!

Please write your comments with your thoughts on this and my other articles.

Until next time, remember you are the best parent you can be in this moment!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Single Parent Families”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

There is an email going around that I like and wanted to share with you. I believe that it particularly applies to Single Parents because we live this. People come in and out of our life as we go through our journey. As we go through Divorce a lot of Single Parents experience the loss of friends and couples that they used to hang out with. As we had discussed previously, it is important to not just go through the changes that occur when we go through challenges, but to look back and learn from them so they where not in vain and we do not repeat the same actions. This same idea pertains to our ex partner and what had occurred to trigger the events that cause the separation from each other. The same applies for all people who enter our lives and make some type of impact upon us and allow us the opportunity to grow as a result. So please enjoy the following:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a
lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet
a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide
you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient
time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship
to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire
fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to
move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your
turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,

Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson,

Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

So say thank you for being a part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Until next time, remember - you are the best parent you can be in this moment!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Families Grow”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

What do you focus on? As I listened to someone complaining on how miserable life is I started thinking, besides that the alternative to life is not such a great choice, that the times when I used to get into this space is when I focused on the things that one after another seemed to be going wrong. I read an article the other day that talked about relationships and the old “80/20″ rule. For those of you who do not know this rule what it says is that in life there is always this ratio of 80% one aspect and 20% another. At the job about 20% of the people do about 80% of the productive work. You will be glad to know that I do not want to talk about work tonight but about relationships, life and how this rule affects Single Parent Families.

I looked back into my past and spoke with other Single Parents about their past. What I found is that the majority of us after a while use our power of choice, for some weird reason, to focus more on the 20% in our lives that are not working. For example, in a relationship that has passed the honeymoon phase and you have been together a while - 80% of the things are “good” and 20% of the things are “bad” in your eyes. At the start of the relationship you where attracted to and focused on the 80% but as the relationship progresses you begin to focus on the 20%. So we begin to focus on the 20% which are “negatives” like he snores when he sleeps, she is always moving my things around, he double dips, she is always reminding me not to, and on and on. The problem is that what you focus on expands and becomes larger and larger. So if you focus on the 20% that is what you keep in the front of your mind and that is what you look for to validate the “negatives” in the relationship. That is why when you speak to couples who break up after counseling and ask what the focus was they usually say fixing what was wrong in the relationship - the 20% “bad” and not focusing on the 80% that was “good” and making that expand.

What about life? What do we as Single Parents do when we start stressing out or having problems? We begin to focus more and more on the problem! What does that do? It creates a larger and larger problem because what we focus on … expands. So what do you think would happen if we decided to focus on the good things in our lives? After all, it does depend on how we look at things! Carol Burnett said, “I have always grown from my problems and challenges, from the things that don’t work out, that’s when I’ve really learned.” When things don’t go the way we want, then we have a choice - we can play the victim and let life direct us like a puppet or we can choose to direct our own life by controlling how we feel, how we respond and the life lesson we get out of it. You notice i did not say “react” because reacting requires no thinking and therefore by nature is not choice. One positive we can look at are our blessings! We are healthy, we have great supportive friends, we have a roof over our head and food in our mouths, we have great children who love us, we have fantastic family who are there for us and on and on. I hope you are getting the picture. Take some time and write a list of what and who you are grateful for and look at it at least two times a day - when you get up and when you go to bed. In this way you remind yourself of the many blessings you do have in your life at the beginning of your day and at the close of your day.

You now know you have a choice. You can choose to look at the 20% of what is “wrong” in your life and miss out on the other 80% that is “good” OR you can choose to focus on the 80% of “good” things in your life and miss out on the 20% that you decide is “bad”. It is all up to you and how you decide to think and what you decide to focus on.

Until next time - remember that you are the best parent you can possibly be in this moment of time!

Please write your comments below and I look forward to reading them.

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Families Grow”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

Here I am meditating and it strikes me - all our lessons and resources can be found in nature (the Universe)!! Now what the heck is he talking about you ask? Well I’m glad you asked.

We are part of nature but as humans we seem to have a tendency to disconnect and not pay attention. How many of you have driven to work or some other place and got there without ever realizing how you got there or better yet you are going some place else and end up heading to work. We are so busy and caught up in all that we need to do that we get into autopilot in our life and don’t realize that life is passing us by!

We run around crazy trying to accomplish way more then we possibly can in way less time then we have. Look at nature. When was the last time you saw a stressed out animal? Why? Because they know there purpose in life and live by it! What do we do? We listen to everyones else’s advice and what they expect of us and stop doing what we want - our purpose in life. I worked on computers because “everyone” said that that was the thing to do and it took me many years to realize that my purpose in life was something higher - to help Single Parent Families! How about you? Are you living your purpose or some one else’s? Are you being the person you have been put here to be or are you being what everyone else expects?

What about our kids? When have you seen an animal too busy to help their young? How often do we get so involved in life that we miss the important events with our kids, the quality time together, the moments that our kid wants to spend with us and you say I am too busy now?

In nature when the cubs need nurturing or lessons the fierce lioness nurtures them. Are we nurturing our kids and helping them to grow? Are we spending that special time or are we allowing that to pass us by. I always think of the song “The Cats in the Cradle” when the father is always too busy to play with his son and spend any time with him; then the father is retired and wants to spend time with his son but his son is too busy. Is that what we want to teach our kids? Or do we want to teach them that life is about connection, purpose and being the best you can be!

What about stress? What is a great way to reduce stress? Reconnect with nature! A walk on the beach and watching the sun rise or set. A quite walk in the woods. What do they all have in common? Reconnecting with nature. Find what works for you.

When are we the most creative? When we withdraw from the craziness of every day life and have time with ourselves. For me it is when I meditate and return to nature - it frees my soul to be open and create. When I create my seminars and get ideas of how to help Single Parent families, this is when it comes to me - in my away time. Do you allow yourself this gift?

When we have problems in life and in the moment it may feel like the end of the world but after we get through it and look back it really was a lesson to help us through life! If you look at nature the animals that survive the rough Winters are the ones who learn from their challenges and use those lessons to adopt to the harsh seasons of life. In this way when the spring comes and there is abundance they are stronger. Isn’t life like that for us? Don’t we go through the hard times when we lose a partner through some event like divorce. Isn’t that our Winter? If we let it, can’t that make us stronger so that when our Spring comes we can have abundance!

You may say that it is the fiercest animals in nature that survive - but is that true? How about the animals that learned to camouflage themselves, or the ones that can go under ground to hide or the ones who build houses to protect themselves? When we can learn from our challenges, we can grow and we can do more then survive, we can flourish. Unlike animals, we do have the ability to make the decisions that affect our lives and the directions we go. life is about these forks in the road and who we are depends on the lessons we learn and the choices we make.

Until next time - remember that you are the best parent you can be in this moment!

I look forward to reading your comments and thoughts below!

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Families Grow”
www.SingleParentPower.com
www.SingleParentPower.com/Blog
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein

Your ex has found the partner of their dreams and they are so happy. Of course he or she wants to include the kids and so they do what they believe is the right thing - they start saying this is my son/daughter and they are the Dad or Mom. Now the kids don’t feel left out and everything is great in family land - right? Wrong!!

Now you start getting angry because you are their Mom/Dad and no one else should be called that. So you do what any rationale parent does - you call your ex and unload all that frustration or anger upon them which of course allows open conversation to flow (sarcasm here).

Now, while the parents are arguing who is left off in the lurch (I still don’t know where this saying comes from)? Who gets forgotten a lot of the time - the kids! How are they feeling about this? What do they want to be called and not called? What do they feel comfortable calling the new person in their lives?

Now we have the questions so how do we find the solutions? We ask … the kids. Sounds simple doesn’t it? Well it is, as long as you take the right approach and are open. How would it be if you took the kids a side and asked how they feel when they are called “my son” or “my daughter”. Ask them how they feel when the new person in their lives calls himself/herself “their Dad” or “their Mom”? Often you will find that the kids feel that their parent is trying to be replaced by the new person rather then this person being a compliment to their family.

Now, here comes the hard part - ask the kids for possible solutions that they would feel comfortable with. Hear the kids out and have an open conversation with them. They will feel good that they are being heard and have input into the end result. If possible, it would be great to have both parents in the room (Caution: If one parent is pressuring the kids to accept this person calling them son or daughter then the kids may not feel free to speak up. They probably will not want to alienate one of their parents. In this case speak with them alone and then discuss with your ex the conversation you had with the kids ).

I have a friend who I coached through this methodology and it worked out amazingly well. He took each of his kids a side individually and discussed this situation with them. They each said how uncomfortable they where with how they where being addressed and referred to and they came up with the solution of “My Mom’s Fiance and my Fiance’s son and daughter. My friend called his ex and discussed what had just happened and they agreed that this is the way they would have this new person address the kids. No arguing, no screaming just results that allowed everyone to be heard and a result that allowed everyone to walk away happy!

It is not always easy as a parent when something is going on to step back and allow yourself to breath and work with the other people involved in a civil way and additionally allow everyone to be heard but it does work and you do get some pretty great results!

Until next time - congratulations on being the best parent you can in this moment. Please place your comments below and I look forward to hearing from you.

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Families Grow”
www.SingleParentPower.com
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein